What happens when you have this burning feeling inside. This fire in your belly. This flame so intense it consumes every ounce of your being... but the external factors do not coincide? I don’t have an answer -I wish I did - for this is how I am feeling, and it is an answer I am seeking.
For the most part I am someone who, admittedly so, constantly questions herself. I have spent most of my life incapable of making concrete decisions, never truly feeling like I can grasp exactly what is best for me, or what I most want. I constantly second guess my decisions, and often, as embarrassing as this is to admit, regardless of the decisions I have made, I have found the flaws in them, which I feel I do unconsciously only to reaffirm to myself that I am a horrible decision maker. This only makes every decision thereafter even harder. This is a long vicious sabotaging cycle I have experienced for most of my life. I wish I could say that today I am free of this cycle and that I am suddenly this amazing decision maker, but I can’t. While I am definitely vastly better then I used to be, I still have potential for tremendous growth.
I do believe that what happens for me more often than not is that tricky little four letter word creeps in strong and takes hold. That four letter word? FEAR. What if I am wrong? What if I am not good enough? What if it’s not the best decision? What if I fail? What if no one else understand? What if it makes someone else unhappy? What if the other person doesn’t feel the same way? ... What if, what if, what if... Fear... The desire has to trump the fear. It (the desire) has to be stronger, so that it can break fear down, smashing into the ground, shriveling it up until it doesn’t speak any longer.
Honestly speaking, I can probably count on one hand in my life that I have just all the way through the depth of my being felt so incredibly sure about something or another, or had such an intense burning desire toward something, that the fear dissipated. Luckily with most of these occurrences, the external forces aligned. But that brings me back to the question of what to do when they don’t? Again, I don’t have an answer. When I don’t have an answer I pray, and pray often.
I have found myself in this type of situation as of late. At first all of my certainty was so strong. Every feeling inside me aligned, faithful, intense, on fire. And there is no fear. How can there be? When you feel something so strong that you feel it into your core, then how can you feel fear? You can’t - you just put your faith in the fact that you wouldn’t feel like something was so so right, if it was actually so wrong, or so you think. This confidence lasts a while, but old habits dye hard, so eventually, fear in its tricky form begins to creep in - tries to take over. Fear reminds me how foolish I am, how silly I must be, asking myself how I could even trust these strong beliefs in my mind, when everything outside me proves me wrong? But does it really?
I have read that in those moments when you feel so at peace, like you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing exactly what you are meant to do, that you are indeed on the path God created for you. I suppose the stronger I develop my faith, the stronger I will be at feeling confident in my feelings, in my decisions, in my actions, and in my place in life. It is crucial for me to trust that HE will guide me and that if I veer off HIS path, HE will always lead me back on. HE will not guide me astray. If it feels wrong it might be wrong, but if it feels so right, even if in the moment the external doesn’t align, then it’s still ok to trust that it might actually be right. Most importantly, I think it is important to be stronger then the fear. The best thing I have found for me in the last year to overcome my fear is through prayer. <3