Everyone says that people on the road seem to be running away from something - I had to sit with this for a while and ask myself if that was what I was really doing all the while fooling myself. ... but the truth is I know I’m not running away ... I’m running into ... into myself - into my pain - into the tender parts that need acknowledged, seen, heard, understood , loved and healed ... into discovering more of who I am and my preferences ... into a stronger relationship with myself - into challenges and opportunities for growth and new experiences - into beauty and an ability to explore - into strength and courage to honor my boundaries... into self compassion and mindfulness.... into more space for presence ... and so much more I haven’t even discovered yet!
I know I won’t feel the need to be on road forever but for now the feeling is strong .... it’s a long standing soul calling that needs to be answered ... and released from my system experientially. Being on the road forces me out of routine of life, out of an environment I was used to, and into the unknown. In the study of neuroscience it is believed that for one to fully embrace change, she can’t try to change from the same environment she became. We need to increase the vibration, get out of routine and literally change our state of being. When we are out of our usual environment we are less likely to experience the same triggers that kept us stuck in our old patterns and habits. However, what’s very helpful, is while traveling alone and in constant new places with constant new people, we can quickly see who we are and what habits and patterns we brought with us, what is engrained in our actions and thoughts, and learn where we need to focus on releasing.
I don’t know when my new commitment to extended travel will feel completed but I trust I will know when the time comes .... I’ve accepted that this trip wasn’t meant to look the way I thought it would - rather it’s feeling all the ways I needed it to... I had goals for what to see and do - but bigger goals for where and how to heal... and this trip is creating all the space for me to do just that. What I’ve come to understand though, is that this was intended to be a soul journey - and when I’m unwilling to make a choice to slow down, and allow the space for my soul to embrace, then my body makes the choice for me ... being sick, then sick again, then hurt - it’s all my body’s way of getting louder and louder demanding from me what it needs... stillness - presence - awareness - curiosity - observance - allowance - forgiveness - patience - compassion - mindfulness ...
It’s funny how the very thing we know we need we often resist - even if we think we want it ... that sounds so confusing - but it’s the different layers of our self ... I’ve been taking more time for stillness these last couple weeks really noticing the conversions in my head - Where the resistance still shows up.. and observing the little fits my ego tries to throw.... I see the ways it creeps in and tries to distract me from what the essence of me actually needs for healing .... I notice in my body the symptoms of anxiety rise the closer I feel I get to breaking through. The ego is a tricky bit - it wants to keep us small - it wants to avoid change - it loves the familiar and known even if that known doesn’t serve our higher needs...
But there is this balance in learning to know - know ourself and what is our ultimate true truth. I have this tendency to stay in most situations too long in my life - learning to know when is appropriate to walk away from something in the right timing is a skill I’ve yet to master.... sometimes I teeter in confusion, not knowing if I’m meant to walk away because something or somewhere or someone isn’t truly right for me, or if it’s my ego getting restless - encouraging my frustrations or discontent in avoidance of truth or growth. If it were only easy to just know - but for now, I’m practicing noticing... just noticing the story playing in my head, the conversations on repeat, the feelings in my body, and the feelings in my mind.
This truly is a journey ... and I’m feeling blessed to be in it. ❤️
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