Raw and real...

I’m always writing about finding the positive, focus on what we can do and what we have, and learn the lessons .... and this is all so true and soooooo important - but I think it’s also equally important to be human - and allow our natural humanness to express itself and to acknowledge and honor our real feelings in any moment - even if the focus isn’t on what I listed above... and that is still ok ... and that is where I am at today.


Today I basically sat on a couch in my air bnb ALL day (on a Sunday) and read a book. I barely forced myself to find the motivation to get off the couch and see the remains of daylight to go grab some groceries. And I had this mood I couldn’t shake ... I was irritable, stressed out, flustered, angry, and sad all at the same time. And you know what? I let myself be.... I didn’t even try to understand it, explain it, justify it or get over it. I just allowed it ... because I’m human and I get to experience the whole spectrum of emotions ... and yes I’m a strong person in mind - but somedays it’s ok to just feel and not need to always shift every single moment to the growth potential - that shit gets exhausting ... it’s worth it but - but so is being kind and forgiving and allowing to myself.


And you know what - most of the emotions ended up releasing except just one lingered.... sadness ... and that’s ok. What was I sad about?!?... I asked myself... a lot of things - mostly it stemmed from longing ... missing ... aching.... I don’t know why today of all days, maybe because I was already in a melancholic mood, and maybe it was my dream state the last few nights, but I really miss Mowgli... like in a bad way. My eyes tear up just thinking about him. What I would give to wrap my arms around his little fuzzy goofy self and hear him snore.
But that’s not all, I miss my friends, I miss family - I miss all the special people I love and care about back home in the states, which I’m grateful we are all at least connected.
And then there is one specific person who I am no longer connected to, whom I really really miss. And I miss some of the awesome people I have met on this journey that I’ve had to say goodbye to.


And then there is all the silly shit ... I miss my plants!!! My beautiful green happy plants in all their colorful pots ... and I miss painting the pots and replanting the plants and watching them grow, because it’s spring and that’s what I do. I miss doing artwork and painting. I miss getting in my car and driving to no where particular - just the freedom of being able to do so.... and I miss hiking through all of our beautiful parks - being able to hike anytime of day or evening I want - by myself or with a friend, without a guide. I miss lifting weights and the feeling of being in a gym...Buff sesh’s with friends.


But the thing is that as much as I miss all of this. I am not ready to come home, because if I left I would miss all of this too. I can’t come home, and that also makes me sad, because I know I will keep longing for and missing, but I’m not done with this experience on the road... and the longer I’m here the more I can’t imagine it being any other way. It’s like this desire to live two totally different worlds... wondering how I will collide them into one. I just want to be everywhere all at once with everyone.


On the bright side, at least I know I have a lot of really wonderful and great people, places and things in my life at home and my blessings are abundant and plentiful.