I’m always writing about finding the positive, focus on what we can do and what we have, and learn the lessons .... and this is all so true and soooooo important - but I think it’s also equally important to be human - and allow our natural humanness to express itself and to acknowledge and honor our real feelings in any moment - even if the focus isn’t on what I listed above... and that is still ok ... and that is where I am at today.
Today I basically sat on a couch in my air bnb ALL day (on a Sunday) and read a book. I barely forced myself to find the motivation to get off the couch and see the remains of daylight to go grab some groceries. And I had this mood I couldn’t shake ... I was irritable, stressed out, flustered, angry, and sad all at the same time. And you know what? I let myself be.... I didn’t even try to understand it, explain it, justify it or get over it. I just allowed it ... because I’m human and I get to experience the whole spectrum of emotions ... and yes I’m a strong person in mind - but somedays it’s ok to just feel and not need to always shift every single moment to the growth potential - that shit gets exhausting ... it’s worth it but - but so is being kind and forgiving and allowing to myself.
And you know what - most of the emotions ended up releasing except just one lingered.... sadness ... and that’s ok. What was I sad about?!?... I asked myself... a lot of things - mostly it stemmed from longing ... missing ... aching.... I don’t know why today of all days, maybe because I was already in a melancholic mood, and maybe it was my dream state the last few nights, but I really miss Mowgli... like in a bad way. My eyes tear up just thinking about him. What I would give to wrap my arms around his little fuzzy goofy self and hear him snore.
But that’s not all, I miss my friends, I miss family - I miss all the special people I love and care about back home in the states, which I’m grateful we are all at least connected.
And then there is one specific person who I am no longer connected to, whom I really really miss. And I miss some of the awesome people I have met on this journey that I’ve had to say goodbye to.
And then there is all the silly shit ... I miss my plants!!! My beautiful green happy plants in all their colorful pots ... and I miss painting the pots and replanting the plants and watching them grow, because it’s spring and that’s what I do. I miss doing artwork and painting. I miss getting in my car and driving to no where particular - just the freedom of being able to do so.... and I miss hiking through all of our beautiful parks - being able to hike anytime of day or evening I want - by myself or with a friend, without a guide. I miss lifting weights and the feeling of being in a gym...Buff sesh’s with friends.
But the thing is that as much as I miss all of this. I am not ready to come home, because if I left I would miss all of this too. I can’t come home, and that also makes me sad, because I know I will keep longing for and missing, but I’m not done with this experience on the road... and the longer I’m here the more I can’t imagine it being any other way. It’s like this desire to live two totally different worlds... wondering how I will collide them into one. I just want to be everywhere all at once with everyone.
On the bright side, at least I know I have a lot of really wonderful and great people, places and things in my life at home and my blessings are abundant and plentiful.