So the other day I had to write about the fear I was faced with, to get it off my chest. Saturday was a rough day all in all - the overwhelming feelings I had around my deepest fears left me somewhat debilitated mentally and emotionally. I struggled most of the day with the urge to just stay in bed, figuring if I was sleeping I wasn’t thinking. But I overcame those urges. Instead of sleeping and ignoring it, or rather, what I usually do best, which is just try to fight it....... I PRAYED. This was new to me. In the past, prior to my newer built relationship with God, I struggled this battle and I often lost. I fell into a vicious cycle over and over, where I would let these negative and self destructive emotions win, I would create my own self fulfilling, destructive prophecy, I would fail, and then I would confirm with myself that I knew that was going to happen all along. Every time things started getting good - really good - I would create a crumble. Typical.
Well, as I mentioned, this is before I knew God, and when I tried to fight it alone. Actually interestingly enough, I was just reading through a chapter in A Purpose Driven Life the other day, and it was all about temptation and how when things are good - this is how the devil shows up. In my previous experiences with these self destructive emotions I have never looked at it from this perspective but it totally makes sense now. It says in this chapter that “resisting a thought doesn’t work. It only intensified our focus on the wrong thing and strengthens its allure.” This also makes total sense, as I mentioned above the more I fought the feelings in my past, the more I would actually find reasons to validate them. This time, it didn’t work that way. This time, I got up, I wrote, and then I prayed. I prayed long and passionately over and over again.
Through the past several months through attending church and reading this book, I am learning that I am not alone - and I don’t have to struggle alone. I can come to God. Church and this book have taught me to turn my worries into prayers. Worry less - pray more. This is what I do. So that is what I did. Sunday at church was all about prayer in desperation. It solidified how important my prayer on Saturday was... I realize that while it may seem small to some people, I know the power of my thought (especially my fear driven, self destructive thoughts) and I know that I have a track record of not being able to overcome them and see things at real face value. This time - I won, but not alone, but through God’s power and guidance.
The past several months I have been so blessed to experience the power of prayer over and over again. I feel so much more secure and at peace to know that I am not alone, ever. I always have support, guidance, and strength through every situation, and every tough time. With that I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy, and excitement to constantly commit to evolving my relationship with God and continuing to learn his word and study it and grow with it, each and every day so I can evolve and be the very best version of myself that he made me to be. It is truthfully so refreshing to know that while I experienced the overwhelming emotion that I felt Saturday, with God, I am able to sit here today and express that I have moved through that self destructive behavior, and that means I have taken one more step in the right direction for personal growth and development.
I understand that this doesn’t mean I won’t ever go back to that dark place again, as I am fully aware that the devil never disappears forever - he will always come back to haunt me and I will continue to be tested, but as the The Purpose Driven Life says, we should take it as a compliment when the devil shows up, because it means that you are doing good - because he doesn’t have to try to sabotage what is already bad (something along those lines). On any account, I now know that next time I experience an overwhelm of intense negative or self destructive emotions, I will not be alone, and I will be stronger and better equip to handle the situation, and move through it always.