I have a track record ... It's based on fear... Fear of being hurt again. My last relationship really- really toyed with my emotions and fucked with my head. I realized thereafter that I never wanted to feel that way again, and thought how if I felt like that was love then maybe I had no idea what love really was, because that wasn't it. So I spent four years getting really-really good at creating walls. I blocked everyone out and didn't let anyone close, although if I'm super honest, I've actually been a master @ this my whole life- that's why it was always so easy in my past to pick up and move - I kept myself detached from people- cuz if I didn't let them in close I couldn't get hurt. If I didn't care enough it wouldn't matter if I left or they did. Then with my last relationship I dropped some walls, really opened up and trusted and got burned bad. So there I was at square 1 - probably even square -1...
Miss tough girl... For years I told myself I was happy alone and didn't care if I stayed single - besides I was convinced I'd never meet someone worth my time. However, one day I realized that I would rather love in my life and experience true and real love even if it meant risking being hurt 10x over then to never love again ... Over time I began to slowly open my heart back up - but with caution, which was easy cuz there was still no one worth my time anyhow.
Then I met someone- it started slow- casual - nothing serious ..."I got this" I thought to myself -I won't develop feelings- I won't care enough - therefor I won't get hurt. I told myself all the reasons he would never work... Funny thing is I did develop feelings- feelings unlike any I had ever experienced before - and even crazier I had brief moments where I thought "shouldn't this be scary?" But then almost instantly I was able to let the fear go because it felt too good and too real to even fear ... This lasted a while, but lately this has changed. One event occurred that made me realize just how "real" it might be getting, and that realization came with an overwhelming sense of fear. Fear of getting hurt- old fears from my last relationship kicking in that I don't even want to get into - even though it's not fair for a new person today to suffer from an old person of my past. I found myself all week long being driven by these fears though-fighting myself every step of the way. It's been an intense emotional week in my head - wanting to pull back -wanting to walk away while it's still "safe"- questioning if his feelings are the same- is it real- is it worth it- going back to my old self and making excuses for why I want to walk away - making up excuses of whats not working and why, when in reality I know the only thing not working is my head!
Basically im attempting to self destruct and ruin something that is so amazing ... And I've literally been doing it all week long- and I have moments where I totally know I am doing it and can almost see myself going it , yet can't stop myself. Then there are moments where I'm so in my head I don't even realize how strong it has a hold of me. I want this time to be different - I can get hurt - its true - there are no certainties in life - but I want my actions and my heart to hold true to the mindset that the potential to be hurt is worth it - that what we have and what I feel is worth it -even if it's not for a lifetime. Life is filled with risk - and this is one worth taking . I love him... I do ... Wow to write that word out loud...it freaks me out...makes me nervous that it will freak him out too ... I haven't said it out loud... don't know when I will be ready to truly face those emotions head on ... I just know that deep down I know I do deserve an amazing, loving, compassionate, respectful , and lasting relationship, and this very well could be the one or it may not - but I won't know unless I go all in and give it a try. I don't want to be the reason it is not - I don't want to self destruct it before it even has a fair chance. For once, I want to go into it trusting and confident with belief and free of fear!
And as the bible says (in one of my favorite verses):
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13 MSG)