Wow ... it’s been a while since I’ve sat down and put the pen to paper - but I suppose that’s because I was busy living ... not to say I’m not living when I’m writing - but a different kind of living ... in every facet of life there is a natural energy and flow ... whilst traveling I don’t so much force the alone time or the connection .... I just let it happen - I find moments of introversion and periods of lots of alone time that is just naturally created ... and then there are periods where the opportunities to connect just flow through ... so I guess the last few weeks I’ve been connecting - living - processing with others ... today I write.
So I spent a long time today on a beautiful bus ride and had such a blast from my past - but more then that - I had a flood of beautiful memories - happy tears - sad tears - it’s crazy because I always joke that I don’t know where my life has gone - but thank god for photos, to remind me!!!
In an attempt to look for a very specific photo I ended up skimming through the last 10 years of my photos ... and it brought so much joy back... it helped remind me how beautiful my life has already been - so very worth living.... the 10.5 years with my Mowgli Monster were the happiest joyful loving growing years of my life - he was my best friend and my teacher of life and love... but it wasn’t just him ... in that time span I was also filled with so many friendships, relationships, laughter, silly moments, amazing music, connection, color, art, dance, hobbies, exploration, travel, nature, late night, great food, and so so so much more. Looking over these photos was a reflection of not only my life lived but an expression of who I am - and it was really beautiful.
I know I’ve often struggled with the “not enough” syndrome - not enough life lived , not enough difference made, not enough depth of love, not enough ... not enough .... but the photos are such a good reminder and proof of ALL the wonderful ways it was ENOUGH!
When people ask why I’m still single I always sarcastically respond “because I was busy wasting too much time with all the wrong men” - though now I realize this couldn’t be further from the truth. I spent the right amount of time with exactly the right men, for me. Because while there was definitely no shortage of pain, sadness, tears, and reliving my old emotional patterns and addictions, there was also immense joy, laughter, fun, growth and so much more positives.
With each passing day I let go of the story in my head that we are meant to be in this one perfect beautiful relationship with one person and that if we aren’t then we failed - if a relationship doesn’t last a lifetime it isn’t a failure- it’s still a success if I learned and grew from it - it’s just a complete relationship. Not every relationship is for life - as the classic old saying goes - some are for reasons or seasons - this is so very true.
I always knew I wanted to travel - when I made the choice to be a dog mom - I accepted and was happy with the choice to have that chapter to my life, knowing the travel and world exploration chapter would come. Even though I was always happy, I always had this little voice that said “what if.... (you regret this order or not traveling sooner...) but not for one minute to I regret my choices and the order of my life, because I always knew the opportunity to explore the world would come. And truth be told, while I am in love with this experience on the road, and it challenges me, grows me, and fills me, I wouldn’t give up one day of my life with Mowgli for any extra amount of time or experience traveling .... This experience is beautiful, and I am so grateful to be having this opportunity, and it has only made me even more grateful for the life I have already lived, for the people I have loved, for my home I have chosen, and for every single second I spent as Mowgli’s mom, being with him. And when I think of this I am so grateful and happy it brings tears to my eyes .... because ultimately I know that if today I were to take my last breath, I made a difference, I loved, I have grown, and best of all, I have truly lived.
Thank you Mowgli for teaching me how to truly love & live - I know you are with me every day on this journey called life, even now, just looks & feels a little different. ❤️
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